心痛的感觉

伤心到底是怎么一回事？？心痛到底是怎样的滋味？？在今天之前我没办法给你很详细的描素，现在我能很清楚的告诉你：那种感觉真的很难受！！！时而欲哭无泪，时而眼泪在眼眶里打转，真的真的很难受！！人家常说，遇到不快乐的事时，不妨找个人倾诉，把事情说出来心情就会好点。但是，今天的我真的难过到不想再提这些事，我怕如果再提起，我的眼泪真的会忍不住掉下来。我真的无法想像在别人面前掉泪会是怎样的。难过的感受挥之不去，写着写着突然好想哭一场。。

自私？？

Remember what i wrote in my previous post?? I told myself tht i need to pratice the law of ‘听不到，看不到，不知道’but i found it's kinda hard to practice this. Yesterday there was an incident happended in my schl tht really touches my feeling. One of my students was sick, she wanted to go back home but no one at her home tht can fetch her back. So, her friends asked the help of teacher on-duty this week to send her back. The teacher refused by giving a silly reason : takut dijangkit H1N1. The teacher knew th the girl was having fever so she told the students she cant send her back home becoz worried will get fever if they r in the same car. The students were so shocked when they heard frm her!! Then, they went to GPK and the GPK told the students tht all teachers were busy and we cant send her back home, what we can do is to send her to hospital...Again the students were shocked to hear this!!! Actually all these got nothing to do with coz i am not the teacher on-duty and i am not the GPK too, then y am i so busybody??/

The truth is: actually right after the teacher on-duty refused to send the student back, the GPK came to the staff room. I was busying with the stupid SSDM thing when the GPK came. The GPK asked the help of a teacher who is free to send the student back. The teacher refused to send her back by giving many reasons (At the same time, there were a few teachers who r very free and busy with chit-chatting... ) Then, the GPK came to me. She asked whether i am free to send her back. I told her tht actually i got no class at tht time but i am busy with the SSDM, when she heard abt it she went off. Actually i got 2 reasons why i refused to help : 1st becoz i was really busy with the SSDM; 2nd : i am unhappy with the teachers, y cant they help since they r free?? At tht moment, i was thinking tht : since they can be selfish, y cant me?? So, i decided to be selfish this time and i refused to help. However, i felt bad immediately after i refused to help. After i rejected the GPK, i continued with my work. When i juz finished my work, the patient's friends came to me again. They told me tht the girl is feeling very bad and she really needs to go back home... since i have finished my work so i told the girls tht i can send her back now and i told the girls to inform her family members 1st. When i was ready to go, i realised tht actually her mother found other friends to pick her daughter up. So, at last i tak jadi send the girl back home..

I am feeling very bad because of my own selfishness (is this a correct word??) , i chose to become a bit selfishness but i nvr realise tht this will make me feel so bad!!! Actually, now the students who know abt this incident all saying tht teachers r very selfish!!! They cant accept tht none of the teachers is willing to help when the students r in trouble. They also cant imagine tht the teachers can be so cruel and self-centered!!! Nowadays, students r not tht close with teachers . I am worry tht the relationship between teachers and students will become worse after this incident...

After this incident, i realised tht it's not easy to become a selfish person. I am not sure abt others but i know it's not easy for me to be selfish. Just a bit of selfishness already make me feeling bad (even remorseful) for so long, imagine if i really become selfish like those chit-chatting happily in hte staff rooms???? To prevent feeling bad so much again, i think i shld change my principle : give the best, do the best and enjoy the rest!!! Conclusion：自私不是我的专项也不适合我。。

消极？？

教了一年半的书，上个星期可真是一个难忘的经历。我自认是个急性子，脾气也较为暴躁但我很少会对学生破口大骂，可是过去的星期四及五，我却失控了！！面对一群冥顽不灵的学生我真的忍无可忍了！！火山终于爆发了，我当着众多的学生面前大发雷霆就连巡察员也不能幸免。其实我真的对那些巡察员感到很失望，前一天老师们花了两个小时和他们开会商讨问题；没想到才隔了一天他们就忘得一干二净！！试问我怎能不生气呢? 或许那些巡察员会觉得我当着学生面前训他们没有顾及他们的感受也让他们很没面子，但他们又何尝有考虑到我的感受呢?就在我大发脾气后，竟然还有巡察员说我骂人不用本，生气不会累！！！我知道他们纯粹开玩笑但这句话真的伤我很深。他们可曾知道生气是很累的？我几乎气到连书都没办法教下去！！与其说生气，其实更多的是伤心。但我不可能在学生面前哭所以我只好用骂来宣泄我内心的不满，要不然我会疯掉！！

经一事，长一智，这次的经历让我重新审视教师这份工作。有时候，有些事我认为对学生好所以就算别人不支持我还是尽力去做，我想只要学生受益及珍惜就好。谁知道往往学生们不但不珍惜反而怨声載道？？真心的付出，换来的却是批评和讨厌，这又何苦呢？？常听人说：教育就是这样，学生还小还不成熟，待他们长大后他们就会明白，但老师也是人，我们也需要鼓励好让我们有动力得以继续走下去。这次事件后，我发现如果想继续走下去，我只要把书教好，把份内事做好就好。还有必要时最好采取：“听不到，看不到，不知道”政策。消极吗？没办法，人在江湖，身不由己。

感触。。

Tonight (4th july) i went to Agape shelter --an orphanage home with friends. Everyone of us will bring a dish there and we got ard 10 dishes!!! After we enjoyed the dinner, we played games with the children there. The children enjoyed themselves but i dont really. I found that it's kinda hard for me to get along with the children. Is this what we called 'Generation Gap'? Oh my God, i am only 26 years old, and i already experienced generation gap??!!! what happened to me?


This really worries me!!! This year is my second year of teaching, actually i am bored with the paper work and also the school admin work. i HATE doing all these things but at least for now i feel happy to go to school because i enjoy getting along with my students. I am 26 and they are only 17, although having a gap of 9 years but i still manage to get along with them. To me, the most exciting part of being a teacher is to mix ard with my students.


But, imagine 10 years later when i turn 36 years old, my students are still 16/17 years old. They are young and i am old, is it tht i will experience the same feeling as what i felt in Agape shelter just now? NoNo, i dont want tht kind of feeling! But what can i do? Can i escape on it? i hope so, i really hope so...


At first it should be a happy gathering but how come i am feeling down??? Again i have to ask myself: Am i thinking too much???

Boring course, relaxing life...

Hi, havnt blogging for so long!!! Am i busy???hehe,I think the month of June will be the best month in year 2009. 1st June, started the 2 weeks school holidays, followed by it is a 2 weeks induction course in Malacca... This is a compulsory course for all government servants in Malaysia before we get our confirmation. Erm, as what i put on my title, this is a boring course. 100 teachers from Johor state gathered in a 3-star holidays in malacca, woke up at 6am everyday for morning exercise, after tht we need to stay in an extremely cold hall for 4 talks right frm morning till night time... Actually, most of the talks are nonsense, they talked like we are going to be the school kerani but not teachers, sigh... At first, i cant wait to go back home and go back school to see my dear students but i changed my mind then... The life here is so relaxing!!!! Imagine life with no school admin work, no student, no house work and no trouble, what a kinda extremely good life is it??!!! Apart frm that, u can enjoy 6 meals per day + servant to tidy up ur room, Oh my God!!! I am so fortunate!!! Can i stay here forever? I know the answer is NO, so sad... So, WAKE UP!!! Be prepare to go back school, work harder and try your best to become a good teacher!! Esther, i know u can do it!!!



Frankly speaking, i think this course is a waste of time + waste of tax-payees' money. We shldnt spend so much on this kind of silly course. Anyway, since we have to come so i will treat this as a reward to us. Goverment appriciates our hard work so they granted us with this extravaganza holidays, haha.... Ok, times up. Go back school and c u....

My friend....

I wrote so many things abt my life.. This time i would like to write abt my friend. Yup, it's my friend, it's a friend of mine. Who is the special one for me to write abt? Hehe, if u read through my blog, u will discover tht her name appeared for so many times... Who is she? Yup, she is Tsu Chin!!! Surprise?!! Erm, whr to start at?



Tsu chin and i know each other since secondary schl times but we r not tht friend during tht time. She is my senior so we juz know each other by names only, haha. However, 缘份天注定, we get to know each other better when we met in university. We met each other again in the university and we became coursemate. It's so happy to meet with hometownmate when u r away frm home. We clicked together, haha!! During the 4 years in university, we registered the same subjects, went to lectures and tutorial together, ponteng lectures together (hehe, dont follow our footsteps orh) , went to shopping together and even gossiping abt others together!! However, if i want to talk abt my enjoyable uni life i must not left out another two names: weyfen and meiling... Four of us always stick together during the 4 yrs in uni. I miss my uni life so much!!!



快乐的时光总是特别快过，4 yrs past and four of us were posted to different places. meiling posted back to sarawak, weyfen to sabah and surprisingly tsuchin and i were posted back to our hometown: Kluang!!! 4 of us were separated but tsu chin and i still stick together, haha!!! Even though both of us are busy with schl works but we always come out to yamcha together. Everytime we go yamcha, we will talk abt our work in schl and also abt our students. This is a good time to share our feeling and grumbles. Actually i am the one who r having the most gumbles, so i must thanks tsuchin for lending her ears, thanks tsu chin!



Not only yamcha, tsuchin and i always go shopping together too. We go shopping together in Kluang and also in KL. Tsu chin is a kind-hearted lady, y? haha, she knows i am lonely and i have not many friends so she always count me in for most of the activities she joined. Everytime she found any good offers abt makan or main, she will ask me along. But dont misunderstood orh, not only makan, minum and jalan-jalan, she invited me along for badminton games too!!! I am so grateful to her, coz she helps me to widen my social circle. I think my life will become even more boring if i dont know tsu chin.



Tsuchin is not only kind-hearted yet she is also a creative and brilliant teacher, a filial daughter and she is good at cooking too... Am i doing adversiting now? Haha, i am not. But she is indeed a good woman. i really 佩服her, she always got so many ideas and she is a person who practice the law of 即时行乐！！This is the thing i always wanted to learn frm her, hehe.



We are so friend until my colleagues also know abt us. They know tht we always go out together. In addition, we will attend a 2-weeks course in malacca lately. OMG, pls dont misunderstood, we are only good friends, we are not lesbian, haha!!! I must clarify otherwise she wont be able to find bf anymore, haha!!!!



We met with so many people in our life,

We make friends with so many people in our life,

It's easy to have friend who can go crazy with u,

but

it's difficult to have friend who can listen to u and at the same time offer opinions to u,

it's even more difficult to have friend who can share your feelings and be supportive to u,

so i am grateful,

To God (although i am not a Christian), thanks for giving me such a good friend and

To Tsuchin, thanks for being such a good friend.



Thanks my dear friend, may u stay happy and healthy all the time!!! Friends forever!!

Again, it's holidays...

Like what i said earlier, we must enjoy the holidays given to us as much as possible!!! So I must think of our things to do so tht i can continue to enjoy my holidays... To those who working in other fields, pls dont jealous!!! We deserved it, haha!!!


I went back schl last thursday to certify my pay slip and also to bring back all my students' exam papers. i have decided not to think abt it again once i left all the exam papers in the schl. we shld be positive, although they didnt do well this time but i am confident they will do better next time. So, do give them and me one more chance!! 别放弃，希望在明天！


I went to town with tsuchin, diana and sin fang on friday. We had our lunch at Irodori. One thing I must tell : i enjoy eating sushi so much, especially cheap and nice sushi, haha!! We sat and ate thr for ard 2 hours i think, since 3 of us (tsuchin, sinfang and I) r teachers, we talked a lot abt schl life. After listening to what sinfang and tsuchin said abt their students and their life in schl, i felt tht i am so fortunate!!! I am so lucky to be posted to convent, although we all agreed tht students nowadays are getting worse but at least my schl is far better than other schools. so, i kept on telling myself tht convent is a good place and my students r good students, haha. So, be contented abt it!!! Okok, i promised tht i will try to love Convent and also try to love my students more from now on, haha!!!


On 06/06/2009 (wah, what a nice number!!), i went to BBQ at Agape Shelter (an orphanage home in Kluang) with tsu chin, diana and also with other friends. This was the second time we went thr. However, this time we have more people and we have more food also, hehe... I brought along my niece, Celine this time. She enjoyed a lot thr. we BBQ-ed and played with the kids thr. We went back at ard 9pm, the kids enjoyed and we enjoyed too. This is our second time and i am sure thr will be 3rd, 4th and 5th...time. So dont worry kids, we will be back!!! C ya...